


Hello, Hello, Remember Me? I'm Everything You Can't Control.

by boltschick2612



Series: Everyone Has A Secret. [2]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Denial, M/M, Tampa Bay Lightning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-05
Updated: 2013-01-05
Packaged: 2017-11-23 19:23:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/625690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boltschick2612/pseuds/boltschick2612
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neither of them expected the late night hookup in a Pittsburgh hotel room . They didn't expect to still be thinking about it a year later, and they certainly didn't expect to meet again when it turned out they were on the same team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hello, Hello, Remember Me? I'm Everything You Can't Control.

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place about a year after 'Everyone Has A Secret'.  
> Story not true.  
> Title taken from "What You Want" by Evanescence.

June 29th, 2008

A year ago, whenever Ryan visited the St.Pete Times Forum, he was always relegated to the visitor's locker room where he would throw on his Penguins jersey before stepping onto the ice. Now....now was different. Now he was being shown around the spacious home team's locker room by the Captain of the Tampa Bay Lightning. As Vinny droned on about this, that and the other, Ryan looked around, feeling totally out of place. He guessed that he had been lucky, this was only the second team he had ever played for, yet he still felt as if he belonged in Pittsburgh. He wasn't too thrilled when he learned that the Lightning had acquired his rights, but at least Gary had made the move with him as well, so there was at least one person he knew. Ryan was so deep in thought that he didn't notice when they had stopped walking, and he almost plowed into Vinny's back. 

"And here's your stall. Being new here, you'll probably find a couple strange things stashed away there in the first few months. The guys always like to pick on the newbies." Vinny let loose a small chuckle. If Ryan had been in a better frame of mind, he probably would have shared a laugh with his new Captain, even telling him that  _he_ was usually the one pulling the pranks, and that the guys should be on the lookout for  _him,_ not the other way around. His thoughts were interrupted by Vinny pointing behind him and smiling.

"Oh good, Smitty's here. You get to meet our... _your_...goalie."

Being that it was the offseason, Ryan wasn't exactly sure how many of his new team mates would be hanging around the Forum, and he figured he would probably have to wait until training camp to meet most of them. It seemed that at least one other person was around, and he had just walked into the locker room. Ryan slowly turned to greet the man that had just entered the room behind him, and the floor seemed to drop out from under him. He was struck speechless as his eyes were filled with the sight of someone he hadn't seen in at least a year. Someone he had thought he'd never see again. His vision hazed as his mind replayed scenes from the last time he had seen Mike Smith, scenes of the fire that flashed in Mike's eyes as Ryan caused him to come apart, wrapped in his arms. Vinny's voice broke through Ryan's thoughts and brought him back to the present day.

"You two know each other?"

 _"Shit,"_ Ryan thought.  _"He must of seen the look on my face."_ Ryan silently damned himself for letting his new Captain see the spark of recognition that no doubt flashed across his face when he saw Mike. He tried to keep all further emotions from his features as he looked at Mike, wondering what was going through his mind. Did Mike even remember him? Ryan searched his face, waiting for that same spark to flash in his eyes. The spark that told Ryan he remembered.  

Nothing.

"Nah. Nice to meet you though," Mike said shaking his head as if he he had no idea who Ryan was. Mike made his way back down the hallway leading onto the ice, and Vinny made some excuse about having to meet with their coach in his office. Ryan mumbled his goodbyes, all the while wondering what the hell just happened.

 

                                                                                                  -X-

 

Ryan didn't leave after Vinny and Mike had. He numbly sat in his new locker stall, waiting for Mike to come off the ice and make his way back to the locker room. It had been thirty minutes so far, the longest thirty minutes of Ryan's life. He suddenly heard the sounds of skate clad feet coming down the hall, and his heart started to race. He wasn't even really sure what he was going to say, but he just had to know. He had to know if Mike had really forgotten him as some random late night hookup, or if Mike was hiding the fact that he still thought of him, just as he still thought of Mike. He stood as Mike entered the room, and Mike momentarily paused when he noticed Ryan's presence. He said nothing, just averted his gaze and continued his trek to his stall to change. Ryan tried to move, to walk to where Mike was, for several seconds, but he couldn't move. Fear held him down. Fear over what Mike's answer would be, fear over what this could all mean for him. Finally, he got the courage and walked to Mike, placing his hand on his arm. Mike shot a venomous look to where Ryan's hand lay on his arm, shot a look back up to meet Ryan's eyes. 

"You really don't remember me?" Ryan asked with his heart pounding hopelessly in his chest, He wanted to hear the answer, yet at the same time, he didn't. And when Mike finally gave his answer after looking Ryan in the eyes for several seconds, Ryan wished he had never asked.

"No. Should I?"

Ryan let his hand fall away from Mike's arm and slowly shook his head. "Nope. Sorry to bother you, bro." He hung his head in defeat and made his way out of the locker room, scuffing his shoes over the carpet. As he was almost to the door, he had the sudden urge to look back, to look at Mike one last time. He was surprised to see Mike looking at him, and even more surprised to see a look flash in his eyes. It was the look that Ryan was searching for earlier, and it told him that Mike knew exactly who he was.

 

                                                                                                          -X-

 

  
It continued, almost as if it were a ritual, for three whole months. After every game and every practice, Ryan would wait in the locker room just long enough for everyone else to leave, and then he would look towards Mike's stall to see that he had predictably remained behind as well. After making sure that they were alone, Ryan would slink over and impose his body just inches behind where Mike was standing, facing his stall as he changed. Every time Ryan could feel the heat emanating off of the goalie, and every time he longed to reach out and touch him, to recapture what they had that one night in Pittsburgh. He would imagine reaching out and grazing his fingers along the back of Mike's neck or running his fingers through Mike's silken curls, but he never dared to even try. Instead, he would just stand there for a second before breaking the silence with the same question he had asked the last time, and the time before that. 

"How long are you going to pretend that it never happened?"

Ryan kept asking the same question, and Mike kept giving him the same response. Every time. Mike would strip himself of his jersey, followed by his chest protector, which he then threw into his stall with a heavy thud, the only sound in the empty room. He would then slowly turn his head to look behind him, showing no signs of annoyance or irritation that should come with being asked the same thing time and again. Then Mike would utter his answer without even looking Ryan in the eye or letting any emotion show in his voice.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Mike would then turn back around, and finish changing without so much as a word while Ryan made his way toward the exit, wondering how long either of them could keep this up. He knew what  _he_  was doing lingering in the locker room, but he had often wondered why  _Mike_ had been waiting until after everyone had left to change out of his gear. Around the time that Ryan finally got up the courage to ask him about it, he discovered that he didn't care anymore. Just as someone can't take being asked the same question over and over again, it was also hard to take being denied over and over again. Ryan was just shocked that he was the first one to break. He thought for sure that Mike would tire of being called out on his thinly veiled attempt at a denial long before he would tire of hearing it.

Ryan's disinterest manifested after one of the practices. He waited until everyone was gone, same as always, except this time instead of moving close to Mike, he remained in front of his own stall. He lingered even though he had finished changing long before, and he awkwardly started moving things around on the self above where his uniform hung, trying to distract himself from what he was about to say next. His voice broke through the silence, and he kept his gaze directed straight forward. "I'm done asking, Mike. No more."

Ryan's heart sped up as he heard the sounds of footsteps padding across the carpet towards where he stood. He wasn't sure how he expected Mike to react to his statement, but he knew this wasn't it. His hand trembled as he rested it on the top shelf of his stall. Mike's voice came from behind him, and it betrayed a feeling that Ryan never expected; hurt.

"You left me in the middle of the night. How was I supposed to react?"

Ryan closed his eyes as Mike's words hit him, cutting him to the core. He thought that some sort of acknowledgement from Mike would make him happy, but it didn't. He felt no sort of vindication because he had fought to get the truth for so long that there was nothing left in him but apathy. Ryan leaned forward and rested his forehead against his arm, which was now propped on the top shelf of his stall. His eyes slid closed and his words escaped him in an exasperated sigh.  "I thought I told you I didn't care anymore?" 

He heard the sounds of Mike nervously shifting behind him, and he could feel the tension building in the air. Ryan suddenly wished that he had not chosen to stay behind, wished that he had left long ago, just like everyone else. That feeling was amplified when he heard Mike's voice speak words that should be filled with anger, given their meaning, but instead were filled with nothing but pain.

"I hate you."

Ryan sighed and moved to brace himself up against his stall, running is free hand through his hair in exhaustion. "Yeah. You said that back then, too."

"It was supposed to be a one night thing. We weren't supposed to end up on the same team," Mike said, as if it explained everything perfectly. It didn't, and he knew it didn't. He knew there was no excuse for shunning Ryan, but he thought that maybe if he just ignored the person, that the feelings the person caused would just go away as well.

"Yeah, well....." 

Ryan was no stranger to random hookups during road games, but somehow the thought that he was nothing special to Mike caused a feeling he wasn't used to, a feeling he hated. It was a feeling of rejection, and what hurt the most was that he was getting it from someone that  _mattered,_ as much as it surprised him that he thought of Mike in that way. It may have been true that Ryan left in the middle of the night after their tryst, but what Mike didn't know was that he left because he felt some sort of strong connection, something that he couldn't explain, and he fled out of fear. And that's exactly what he wanted to do now. He had these feelings...longing, hunger, desperation...tied to a person that wanted to deny his very existence. Ryan started to wonder how easy it would be for him make a retreat without Mike seeing the emotions that were written all over his face. He was just about to try and leave the locker room and all thoughts of Mike Smith behind, at least for the night, when he heard Mike whisper words that stopped him dead in his tracks and caused all thoughts of leaving to vanish from his mind.

"And I certainly wasn't supposed to thinking about you every day since."

Ryan spun around in shock and locked eyes with Mike. It was the first time he had looked, really  _looked_ , into Mike's eyes since the night that they had shared in a Pittsburgh hotel room, and it seemed like so long ago now. Before Ryan could utter any words, Mike lunged towards him, his hands moving to the collar of Ryan's dress shirt and pulling him closer until their lips were touching. The kiss seemed to last forever, yet not long enough at the same time. 

A thousand thoughts passed through Ryan's mind in the few seconds that Mike's lips were pressed to his in the all too quiet room. He thought of that night, the way Mike tasted on his tongue, the way he had moaned, the way they both had. Ryan was still holding onto those thoughts as he felt Mike's lips move to his neck and his fingers move to the top button of his shirt. Mike slowly slid the button free, and the one below that, revealing the colorful expanse of tattoos on Ryan's shoulder. His lips trailed from Ryan's neck down to his collarbone, his teeth grazing over the sensitive skin.

Mike continued to undo the buttons of Ryan's shirt, one by one, clearing a path for his lips. Ryan slid his eyes closed and let out a low moan as Mike's kisses trailed lower and lower, until he was nipping at the now bare skin just above the waistband of Ryan's dress pants. His tongue danced across Ryan's skin as his fingers hovered above the zipper of Ryan's pants, flirting with the intention of sliding it down. Instead, Mike lightly slid his fingertips across the smooth fabric until they were resting on the inside of Ryan's thigh, and another low moan escaped him.

Ryan's head was spinning as the sensations washed over him. He relished in the feeling of Mike's lips as they plotted a path back up his stomach, his chest, until eventually their lips were pressed together once again. He felt fingers weaving their way into his auburn curls as Mike's tongue pushed into his mouth. Ryan was so lost in the haze of lust that he almost didn't realize that Mike had pulled away. The loss of Mike's touch caused Ryan's eyes to fly open, and he stared at Mike with confusion playing across his face.

"We shouldn't...I have a girlfriend. You have a wife," Mike explained, or tried to, as his gaze fell to the floor. He couldn't look Ryan in the eyes, he knew that putting an end to this was not something that he _wanted_  to do, but instead something that he  _had_ to do. He couldn't believe he had let things get this far, but it was only because he couldn't resist, just as he couldn't resist a year ago in Pittsburgh. 

"I'm not playing games, Mike. You want to leave, then leave." Ryan knew damn well that Mike wasn't about to go anywhere. He was proved right when Mike let out a small growl and snaked his hand around the back of his neck, pulling him closer and pressing their lips together. He placed his free hand on Ryan's shoulder and gently shoved him back until the back of Ryan's knees were against the bench. Ryan sat on the bench, dragging Mike down with him until he was straddling his hips, all without ever breaking the kiss. Mike's hand slid down Ryan's body until they're at the waistband of his pants, undoing the button and zipper as he had threatened to do earlier. Ryan lifted his hips to slide free from his pants, and Mike used the opportunity to stand and shed himself of his clothing. After both their clothes were pooled in a heap on the floor, Mike crawled back onto Ryan's lap, his knees bracketing Ryan's hips. Mike trailed his lips over the skin of Ryan's neck as he moved into position, letting Ryan thrust into him at a maddeningly slow pace. Mike gasped and moaned against Ryan's neck, sending echos through the empty room.

The thought of how loud, how amplified, every noise was now that there were no other bodies in the room briefly flicked across Mike's mind. His moans were soon joined by Ryan's as he thrust deeper and deeper into Mike, each movement causing a bolt of electricity coursing through his body. Mike leaned back watched the storm play out in the dark blue of Ryan's eyes, everything around them ceasing to exist. He buried his face into the crook of Ryan's neck, nipping at his earlobe and whispering into his ear. "More."

 Ryan obliged by thrusting deeper, harder, until Mike was biting at his neck in an attempt to muffle his cries of passion. Ryan reached down and started to stroke Mike, causing him to bite down harder against his sensitive skin. Ryan couldn't hold out any longer, and he came with his hand still tightly wrapped around Mike's throbbing, rigid flesh. Mike whimpered and bucked up into Ryan's hand, heat spreading through his body as Ryan gently kissed him through the waves of his release.

For a few moments, the only sounds in the empty room are the ragged breaths of two bodies trying to come down off an endorphin high. Mike rested his forehead against Ryan's, both of them fighting for air in the small, cramped space of the locker stall. Ryan started to lightly trail his fingers up and down Mike's back, it had been so long since he had gotten to touch him, and he didn't want to stop now.

He could feel Mike's whole demeanor change within seconds. Mike's breathing became shallow, and his muscles tensed and twitched. Ryan could tell he was suddenly on edge, but he didn't know the reason. Without warning, Mike got up and moved to the heap of clothes on the floor, picking his shirt out of the pile and speaking to the air, not looking at Ryan.

"We shouldn't have done this. This shouldn't of happened."

Ryan made no movements to dress, and was shocked when Mike picked his pants up from the floor and threw them towards him. He caught them with shock evident on his face, he was at a loss for words. He had no idea how Mike could go from denying him, to sleeping with him, to being ashamed of him, all within the space of less than a day. Then it occurred to him. Mike was scared senseless, and it was a feeling that Ryan knew well. Fear was what drove him to leave Mike in the middle of the night during their first encounter. He allowed Mike to dress in silence, and he did the same, sliding his pants on and hoping a few seconds time would allow Mike to come to his senses. Mike finally stilled and looked at Ryan from a few feet away, saying nothing, but the fear was evident in his eyes. Ryan slowly stalked towards him, and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, pulling him close. He knew he had to say something to let Mike know that he had nothing to be afraid of.

"Hey.....what happened in Pittsburgh, what happened tonight....that wasn't a mistake. Believe it or not, I've never done anything like this before, and this means something to me," Ryan explained while brushing his fingertips up and down Mike's arms, intently looking him in the eyes.

A look of incredulity played across Mike's face, he knew that this wasn't exactly the first time Ryan had hooked up with someone he barely knew. "Like  _this_....Like what?"

Ryan let a look of frustration play on his face, and he let out an exasperated sigh. "My God, Mike. Be more oblivious." His features softened a little, after all it wasn't like Mike knew his entire life story. "Im telling you that you're the first...and only...man I've ever been with. And I have a feeling the same is true for you."

Ryan's words weren't really a question as much as they were a statement, and Mike didn't even bother to tell him that he was right. Mike looked at the floor, back up at Ryan, and he could see the internal struggle play out in Mike's eyes as he processed his words, processed what had just happened, what it all meant. Mike's next words took Ryan's breath away, and he felt whatever hold he had gained on Mike vanish in an instant. It was almost as if Mike's words had negated everything beautiful that they had just shared.

"This can't happen again. I'm sorry."

Ryan watched Mike slink out of the locker room with tears in his eyes. He waited until he was sure Mike was out of earshot before he picked his helmet out of his stall and threw it against the wall in frustration, the loud crack bouncing off the walls.

 

                                                                                                 -X-

 

Ryan sat straight up in bed, the last fuzzy fragments of the dream threatening to slip from his memory. He squinted against the dark, as if that action alone would somehow help him to remember the details of the dream that shook him from his sleep. He tried like hell to keep the last bits of it from evading his mind...the way Mike's fingertips slid over the front of his pants, the feeling of his fingers raking through his hair, the way Mike had moaned and gasped against his neck. Ryan had been dreaming of what happened in the locker room...minus the heartbreaking ending...every night since it occurred. He always tried to lock away whatever memories of it that he could, he knew he had probably touched Mike for the last time and he wanted  _something_ to hold onto,even if it was nothing more than a hazy dream. His thoughts were broken, and the last memories of the dream slipped away, when he felt the bed shift beside him and his wife's voice came out of the darkness.

  
"Something wrong?" Abby asked, propping herself up on her elbows and letting a concerned look play on her face, although it was too dark for anyone to see it. She wasn't oblivious to the fact that her husband has been spending nearly every night lately whimpering and tossing in his sleep, but this was the first time that he had been jolted awake. She had asked him about it a few times, and he always said it was just the effect of some dream he couldn't remember. 

  
"I just had... a dream."

  
"A  _bad_  dream?"

 Silence hung in the dark air, and Ryan's mind flicked back and forth between answering his wife's question and trying to retrieve the memories that had just played out in his mind moments earlier. "No."

 Abby fell back onto her pillow and let out a small laugh. "Go back to bed, Bugs."

 Ryan shot her a look in the darkness. He can't go back to sleep, he hasn't been able to sleep in weeks. And when his body finally does give into the exhaustion, his mind decides that it wants to remind him of all the things that he'll never have again.

 

                                                                                               -X-

    
After another night devoid of any real sleep, Ryan was mentally and physically exhausted as he sat on his couch, staring at the blank TV screen and taking another sip of a beer that had been empty for nearly ten minutes. There had been a handful of practices in the past couple weeks, and during every one, Ryan was pained to notice that Mike had slipped back into his familiar state of denial. One step forward, two steps back. Or three thousand steps back, because that's what it felt like. He was pulled from his thoughts by a knock on the front door. He had no idea who could be standing outside, and even as he opened the door to let him in, he still couldn't believe it. Ryan wordlessly stepped aside and allowed Mike to enter. Mike's eyes shifted around what he could see of Ryan's home, and he noticed that things were in a state of disarray that he theorized was not normal. Toys were scattered around the floor, there was a pile of clothes on the couch, empty beer bottles in an overflowing trash can, and dishes piled high in the sink. Mike knew that if Ryan's wife were here, or even if Ryan were his normal self,  things wouldn't look like this.

"I take it you told your wife."

"Yeah." Ryan made a bee line straight to the pile of giant lego blocks on the floor and started to throw them in a nearby toy chest. He was embarrassed that Mike was seeing him like this, and it showed in his voice as he spoke without looking up. "You know, I keep telling William to put his toys away, do you think he listens? Then again, he is only six months old." 

 Ryan paused and kicked at the toy chest. He was fighting back the tears, because on top of everything else, now his wife and son were gone. It was one thing for his wife to leave, but his son.....being without him was the worst. It seemed to Ryan as if his baby boy were all he had left, especially lately. "She took him to her parents for a little while."

"Sorry." Mike's heart broke and shame burned in his chest, this was all because of him. Ryan was a mess inside and out, his appearance was as disheveled as his house, his wife had left with their son, and Mike knew it was all his fault. He also knew that there wasn't a damn thing he could say or do to change things, as much as he wanted to. But he had to start somewhere, and he guessed that was part of the reason that he had showed up on Ryan's doorstep, out of all the places he could have went.

  
Ryan continued his half hearted attempt to tidy up for his unexpected visitor, and he was momentarily glad for the distraction it caused. "She just needs a few days to cool off. She's more mad that I didn't tell her about it than anything else. She'll be back."

   
Mike shot his gaze to Ryan, genuinely confused. "You cheated on your wife and her biggest complaint is that you hid it from her?"

  
"Our marriage isn't exactly what you would call 'traditional'. We have an understanding, it works for us," Ryan explained while tossing another building block into the toy chest, avoiding Mike's gaze.

"Does 'understanding' mean that you're free to screw around and she doesn't care as long as the money keeps rolling in?" As soon as Mike uttered the words, he wished he hadn't. He didn't entirely know what came over him, but he had an idea. It was the unmistakable twinge of jealousy, and it, like so many other things, was his own damn fault. He could have Ryan whenever he wanted, and they both knew it, yet he kept pushing him away.  "Wow. That was...shit. I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry."

 A few seconds passed, and the shock of Mike's comments had worn away from Ryan's mind. He stood, dropped the block he had been holding, and finally looked Mike in the eyes. "What do you want, Mike?"

 Ryan's heart raced as he waited for Mike's answer. He had desperately wanted for Mike to say "You. What I want is you", and he wanted it to happen so bad that he could almost hear the words echoing in his mind. Yet he knew that Mike would never give him that satisfaction, and he would never ask for it.

"I told Brigitte."

The only reaction Mike received was a confused look. He then remembered that he had never actually informed Ryan of his girlfriend's name, and he supposed that Ryan's mind was in a far too off place to put together the pieces. "My girlfriend..."

"And you want to stay here because she kicked you out?" Ryan wasn't sure if he should be happy that Mike chose to come to him, or insulted that the only reason he did was because he had no where else to go. Or did he? It didn't matter, he was there now, and that was almost enough.

 "I never could say no to you, Mike." Ryan knew that statement was true in far more ways than Mike would ever realize.

  
  
  
  
                                                                                                 -X-  
  
  


Mike knew that he probably could have gone to any of his other team mate's houses, and they would have let him crash there, no questions asked. Of course, if he had done that, he wouldn't have been able to sit and watch Ryan as he peacefully slept on the couch. He wondered if Ryan was always such a heavy sleeper, which was odd because when he was greeted by Ryan earlier in the evening, it looked as if he hadn't slept well in weeks.

  
The TV was on as part of Ryan's attempt to distract them both from whatever thoughts were lurking in their minds, but he had fallen asleep as soon as he lay on the couch, and Mike had no interest in whatever was showing anyways. Instead, he sat in the arm chair that was just close enough to Ryan that it reminded him of how bad he wanted to reach out and run his fingers through his auburn curls, yet just far enough away to put him out of reach. Mike thought about how fitting it was to have Ryan just out of arms reach, since that's where he had been keeping him since the moment they met. Always just close enough to get a taste, but far enough away to keep himself from completely giving in.

  
His reverie was interrupted by the shrill ring of his cell phone in his pocket, and he silently damned himself for not putting it on silent. Mike shot a quick glance to where Ryan lay, hoping the noise hadn't jolted him awake, and fished the phone from his jeans pocket. He answered the call from his girlfriend while still keeping an eye trained on Ryan, looking for any signs of movement to show he was awake. Mike carried on the conversation in whispered tones, he didn't want to wake Ryan, didn't want to do anything to disrupt the smile that was slowly creeping to his lips as he slept.

After Mike had ended the call, he quietly got up from the arm chair and walked over the couch. He shot his eyes around the room, looking for not only something to write on, but something to write with as well. He then remembered that he still had the receipt from the fast food restaurant he stopped by on the way to Ryan's. He dug it out of his pocket at the same time as he bent down to retrieve the stray pen off the coffee table. He scrawled a quick note of "Bri called. She wants me to come home so we can talk." across the paper, and gently set it down on the coffee table where he knew Ryan would see it. Mike looked down at the man that was peacefully sleeping on the couch, and he almost didn't want to leave.

He grabbed a blanket that had draped over the back of the couch and gently spread it over Ryan. He then bent down and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, half trying not to wake him, half hoping that he would. When Ryan's breathing remained shallow and his eyes remained closed, Mike straightened up and slowly made his way towards the front door.

  
  
                                                                                                              -X-  
  
  


Ryan had spent nearly all practice on the opposite side of the ice, ignoring the net where Mike had set up camp. Occasionally he would shoot his gaze in that direction, but as soon as he did, his heart was filled with the stabbing pain of things past, things he could never have again. He knew good and well what would happen every time he looked at Mike, but that didn't dissuade him. The pain had become almost comforting, in a way. It reminded him that there was once something there to miss. If nothing ever happened, there would be nothing to mourn the loss of. 

  
During his fifth round of self induced agony, Ryan happened to be looking in Mike's direction at the exact moment that he raised his goalie mask to take a sip of water from his gatorade bottle. Seeing Mike's face, his lips, his eyes, twisted a knife in Ryan's heart. He suddenly couldn't think of anything other than the last time he had touched that same face, kissed those lips, gazed into those eyes. He skated in circles, thinking about how the past and those moments only lived inside his head now. He knew Mike would never admit to the things that happened, not again. His thoughts were broken when he noticed how quite it had suddenly became, and he shot his gaze up to see that everyone had left the ice. It appeared practice was over, and it wasn't news to anyone but him. He skated towards the door leading off the ice, head still down and thoughts still racing. He had just stepped off the ice when a hand reached out and grabbed his shoulder. It turned out that not everyone had left as Ryan had originally thought. Mike had lingered behind, standing by the entrance to the rink. 

Ryan couldn't seem to get over the fact that Mike was touching him, and he was at a complete loss for words. He stood there for a few seconds, nearly making a fool of himself with his stammering in an attempt to seem normal, like nothing was bothering him. Luckily for him, Mike broke the awkward tension.

"Did you get the note? I didn't want to wake you...."

Ryan was momentarily taken aback Mike's statement;  _I didn't want to wake you._ It sounded so...considerate, friendly, and there was almost a lilt to Mike's voice as he said it... almost compassionate. Ryan wondered if he was imagining it, if he was reading far too deep into something not mean to be so. He shrugged it off as one of those things he would never know the answer to, one of the many parts of Mike that would remain a mystery to him. "Yeah. How did it go?"

Mike started to stare down at the floor as if it were insanely interesting. "We're going to work things out. When she heard the way I talked about you...she knew it wasn't just about sex. She said that she could tell that I 'have feelings for you'...or something like that." Mike looked up, but not at Ryan. He shot his gaze to the ice, the Stanley Cup banner hanging from the ceiling, the empty stands...everywhere except at Ryan. "She was pretty mad that I didn't tell her about it though."

"I'm sorry, I never meant to cause a fight..." Now Ryan was the one staring at the floor as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. He couldn't help but notice Mike's choice of words.  _The way I talked about you._

"Like I said, we'll work through it. She understands. Bri is really great, actually. You'd like her...she's funny and open and laid back and-"

"You're babbling, Mike." 

Mike let out a small laugh. He knew he had a tendency to ramble when he got nervous, and he could safely say that he was probably the most nervous he had ever been. "Anyhow, I really like her. I can see myself marrying her."

Ryan finally looked up, and he reached out for Mike's hand, loosely hooking his fingers around Mike's. "Look, I'm not trying to take you away from her, and I have no intention of leaving my wife...but you can't deny that there is something between us. Even your girlfriend saw it."

Mike pulled his hand back from Ryan's grip, and he abruptly turned to make his way to the locker room. His final words echoed in Ryan's mind long after he had disappeared down the hallway.

"I've denied it this long, what's a little while longer?"

 

                                                                                                     -X-

  
Mike didn't go home after he left the Forum. He felt to need to drive down all the backstreets of Tampa, with his thoughts as twisted as the unfamiliar streets. He hated the denial and the hurt that it caused. Yet at the same time, he knew he couldn't just give in to Ryan's immeasurable pull, it just wasn't that easy. As much as he knew living in a constant state of denial went against everything he was, he also knew he could never give Ryan everything he wanted...could he?

It was starting to grow late, and the car's gas tank was almost as depleted as Mike's energy. He thought that maybe the drive would clear his head, and in a way it had, just not in the way he had intended.

 

                                                                                                     -X-

  
Ryan was laying in his cold, empty bed and being held victim to another restless night. The dreams that used to be the only thing he had left of what he shared with Mike had ceased to grace his mind, now all that was left were nights of lonely despair and wondering. Wondering what he had done to deserve this, wondering if things could ever go back to the way they were, wondering, yet again, if Mike thought about him nearly as much as he thought about Mike. At first, he thought he was merely hearing things, perhaps someone knocking on the neighbor's door. Surely there was no one who would want to see  _him_ at this time of night. When the insessant pounding didn't dissapate, Ryan threw the covers off his body, got up and discovered that the noise was indeed coming from his own front door. As he groggily stumbled his way to the door, he instinctively knew who it was, but he couldn't begin to guess the 'why' behind it. His fingers fumbled with the deadbolt, and he swung the door open. 

  
Mike pushed past the open doorway and grabbed Ryan by the shoulder, pushing him back against the wall until he had him pinned, right where he wanted him. Ryan uttered a cry of shock, but anything further was impeded by Mike's lips pressed to his.  The kiss was unlike any kiss they had ever shared. Unafraid, without restraint, and completely unshakable.

Mike pulled away and rested his head against Ryan's chest, sobs escaping him, his tears spilling onto Ryan's bare skin. "I can't deny it anymore. Can't deny you anymore."

Silence hung in the air, the only sound being Ryan's heavy breathing, and the occasional whimper escaping from Mike as he sobbed against Ryan's chest. Mike felt as if he couldn't get close enough to Ryan, and buried his face in the crook of his neck, taking in the entire warmth of his being. Ryan wrapped his arms around Mike in an embrace that he wanted to never end. He trailed his fingers down the tense muscles of Mike's back and planted gentle kisses in his curly hair, letting him break down in his arms. Finally, Mike murmured the words that were the whole reason for his being there. "I love you."

Ryan couldn't get the words out fast enough, he had been waiting so long to say them, so long to hear them. "I love you, too."

 


End file.
